Of Steaks, Salads, and Medical Checkups
by irradiation
Summary: CHAPTER 5 UPLOADED! When Kirk puts on a few pounds, McCoy changes his diet card. Hilarity ensues. DIRTY PLATES is UP! Blooper reel now included! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW this and Dirty Plates!
1. The Phantom Menace

**AUTHOR's NOTES**: OK, so this would be my first story for Star Trek. I did some research on the prime universe Kirk and noticed this little plot bunny, when McCoy makes changes to Kirk's diet because he put on a few extra pounds from time to time and gives him dietary salad instead of his usual meal. I held back the idea, but since I'm bored, I decided to turn the idea into a reality. By the way, I have ideas for this to turn it into a series, but for now, it's just a oneshot. Also, I would like to thank all those who read and listed my story "One Last Promise" as one of their favorites. You guys keep me going!

I do not own Star Trek. Please review, rate and give me tips on my writing style!

A particularly irate Kirk walked out of sickbay, and to the turboshaft. It had been a busy day aboard the Enterprise, and McCoy decided that Kirk be one of the first victims of his random medical checkups. McCoy was one of his closest friends, but in light of the recent "accident" during the Nero crisis involving a mud flea vaccine, allergic reactions and tons of needles nonchalantly jabbed into his neck by the aforementioned doctor, he did not want to go. Besides, he could go and spend that time flirting with a gorgeous young lady serving aboard the Enterprise or doing rounds aboard the ship. He entered the awaiting turboshaft and slid a finger to the bridge icon in the turboshaft controls. It closed the doors and hurriedly shot up to the bridge.

Suddenly, Kirk heard his stomach rumble.

He flicked his finger from the bridge icon to the mess hall icon. The turboshaft shuddered and sped downwards to the mess hall. The doors opened to reveal crewmembers having their lunch. Kirk heard his stomach rumble again, so he hurriedly rushed to claim the cards to punch them into the food slotsr and get his meal of the day.

Kirk entered his name into the computer distributing the meal cards. The computer recited his name aloud, then showed him the selection of food programmed. Kirk noticed the T-bone steak into the upper-right hand corner. He imagined the pleasant aroma of sizzling steak, and quickly pressed the steak picture to select it.

"Are you sure this is your choice," asked the courteous female voice of the computer. "You cannot select any other platter once the card for this meal is given out."

Kirk pressed the big blue "YES" button. The display showed a dialog box with the words, "MEDICAL OVERRIDE." He ignored it and picked up the card to place into the synthesizer. He hurried to the synthesizer and immediately placed the card into the proper slot. The cover of the bin where food appears after synthesis glowed white, as the smell of fresh vegetables filled the mess hall. Kirk suspected there was something not right, but he dismissed it as the smell of the corn and carrots that came with his steak.

But there really was something wrong.

The door to the food bin opened to reveal a plate of dietary salad with a bottle of dressing. A surprised Kirk immediately rushed back to the card distributor and checked whether it has given the correct card to him.

Then he remembered the medical override notice.

He entered his name and checked who placed the override notice and changed his card to dietary salad.

The polite voice of the computer said, "Medical override placed by Doctor Leonard McCoy. Medical override was placed a few minutes earlier at 1155 hours. Medical prescription dictated that patient must lose weight to maintain optimal performance."

From his office in sickbay, McCoy thought he heard someone call his name as he placed the last bite of steak into his mouth. He placed the container into the trash, took his PADD and started to make his rounds again.

THE END.


	2. Attack of the Salad

﻿**AUTHOR's NOTES:** I am very encouraged with all the reviews I received, so I decided to continue! Yay! Since McCoy is the "antagonist" and Vulcans like Spock are vegetarians and adhere to rules strictly, I decided that Sulu should be the second victim of McCoy's evil dietary salad regimen. Also, this was partly inspired by an instructable on how to make bento boxes. (I forgot the author's name.) So, welcome to the second chapter of this fanfic! Please review!

Life aboard the Enterprise was comfortable. The temperature was regulated, the beds were very soft, the food synthesizer was good, there was a hall where you can practice sports like fencing, and the arboretum was particularly well-designed.

Hikaru Sulu couldn't ask for anything more.

It was midday, and he had finished all that he has to do for the morning. He went straight to the arboretum and was there the whole time after a few appointments with some people, including Dr. McCoy to take care of his prized plants, kept in a special corner of the arboretum and taken care of every day. Aside from fencing, he also enjoyed taking care of plants. For him, it was calming to take care of plants, even though it was particularly tiring. He picked up his gardening materials and carefully stowed them into the equipment cabinets.

Then his stomach began to rumble like thunder. He then decided to get something for lunch, and headed to the turboshaft.

Rumors of a particular incident involving their captain and a plate of salad were circulating like wildfire. When Captain Kirk was out of the bridge, Uhura, who was one of the spectators to that spectacle, narrated what happened, and everyone in the bridge crew would laugh. Even Spock failed to stifle a giggle. His thoughts were interrupted when a sullen Jim Kirk entered the elevator.

"Hello, captain." Sulu said, trying to lift the mood a little. Jim quickly closed the turboshaft doors and pressed the mess hall button.

"Hello, Sulu. It's going to be one long lunchtime." Jim said, sounding a little disappointed. "Want to have lunch with me?"

Sulu nodded. "I just had my med exam earlier. I kind of feel heavy lately." Kirk grinned a little, and in a threatening and low voice, he said, "Beware the dietary salad, Sulu. Beware." He gulped as the turboshaft doors opened to reveal the mess hall.

Bright lights and the smell of different food flooded Sulu's senses as he headed for the card distributor. He swiped his finger to move away from the specials and reveal another batch of food, this time, ones packed neatly in lunchboxes. He was about go to the next page when a word caught his eye.

Bento

He hadn't had a bento since he left for Starfleet Academy. His mother used to prepare them for him, and he often asked him to run to the Japanese specialty store by the corner to buy a few sheets of nori for her to be able to make some maki to put a bento box. Since he was required to stay with other cadets in a dormitory, he had no chance to buy ingredients so he can make his own bento to eat.

He hurriedly selected the bento option, quickly passing through all the dialog boxes, one of which includes a medical override. He took the card, and hurriedly inserted it into the food slot. He was so busy thinking about his bento box that he didn't expect what he saw next.

A plate of dietary salad with dressing lay on the spot where his bento box was supposed to be. Then the memories of Jim's medical checkup suddenly came to his mind. He borrowed a PADD from an engineer and checked who decided to ruin his day by placing a medical override.

"Medical Override placed by Dr. Leonard McCoy. Override was placed on 1230 hours. Recommendation was to trim down weight for optimum performance in duties."

He returned the PADD to the engineer, and silently headed to the table where the other victim of their CMO's brutal regimen was sitting.

"You got salad, too?" Kirk asked. A crestfallen Sulu just nodded.

"Listen, I have a plan..."

**TO BE CONTINUED.**

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**A/N: **I enjoy cliffhangers when I'm the one giving them. See you next chapter! Don't forget to review! By the way, this was written on an iPod touch, so I apologize if some of my grammar in this story is horrible. Sulu lived in San Francisco before entering Starfleet Academy, and since I haven't been there, I took the assumption that they do not sell nori at every store. BTW, the review answers and a poll that will decide on a minor aspect of Jim's plans is in my profile. Please vote! The next two episodes would be awesome! I promise! Episodes 3 and 4 will be a two-parter, because Kirk likes complicated plans.


	3. Revenge of the Fallen Part 1

**AUTHOR's NOTES: **To be honest, I am staggered with the very warm response this fanfic has received. I thank all of you for reading this fanfic. For those who lurk in the shadows, please leave a review so I can improve my writing style for your utmost enjoyment. Also, I used a couple of lines from the movie. Kudos to the guy who finds it! By the way, this is part one of Kirk's revenge plan, so sorry if this is not as good, because this exists to set up Chapter Four. Please review!

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The sickbay was empty, cold and dark, the only illumination coming from very dull, tiny and yellow lights placed at the foot of the biobeds at regular intervals. Not a single soul was in sickbay, because all the injuries they received for the day were very minor and no one required an extended stay. The only sounds in the room were the fain whine of the HVAC systems, and a few medical apparatuses. The sickbay was thus devoid of nurses frantically counterchecking the data they have on their PADDs, or doctors plugging IVs or jamming hypos into the neck of an unsuspecting patient.

Two shadows silently entered the sickbay, trying to blend in with the darkness for cover. They moved very stealthily, careful to not make a single sound. Their breathing was so heavily controlled as they snuck past the biobeds into the sickbay's operating theater. They carefully picked up a cylindrical and metallic object from the racks of equipment, and swiftly headed to the door.

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McCoy was in his bed, sleeping soundly, clutching a brown teddy bear in his hand. His room was filled with the noise of his snoring, which was interrupted by him talking in his sleep. He rolled around repeatedly, trying to savor the first day that he wasn't called to sickbay in the middle of his sleep.

"Teddy, please hand me the laser scalpel…"

He was suddenly awoken by a loud beeping. He groggily walked to his computer, staggering like a drunken man. He finally reached the console, opening his eyes to check on what interrupted his precious sleep.

"The time now is 7:00 AM. There are 5 new reports."

He quickly flipped through the first four reports, but the fifth report caught his eye. He rushed to sickbay, wearing his pajamas and holding his teddy bear in his hand as he ran.

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Sulu sat on Kirk's bed as he pulled out their prize from his pocket. The hypo, a cylindrical metal contraption which injected vaccines into a person without the use of a needle was the centerpiece of Kirk's elaborate plan to restore their freedom to choose what to eat, according to him.

"So, what's the plan? And what are you going to do with that hypospray?" Sulu asked, clueless about the plan that Jim made. Kirk opened a cabinet and pulled out a glass vial without a cap, filled with a liquid that moved back and forth due to Kirk's shaky hands.

Sulu identified it as a cartridge for the hypospray. "And what are you planning to do with that?"

Kirk started to explain. "This is a random hypo cartridge that I pulled out of the medical supplies without McCoy knowing. While he was browsing through the different vaccines to inject to me so I would appear sick, I took one. That's how I got aboard the Enterprise." Sulu just nodded, not seeing the relationship between the liberty to select what goes into his stomach and a hypospray.

"So, basically, one of us is gonna pretend he's sick, then while everyone's busy attending to that guy, another one would sneak to McCoy's office to disable the medical override." Kirk said with a grin. Sulu gulped. Now he knew the connection, and he is very sure that he will be the one to feign sickness. Kirk continued. "Now, this will only be effective if McCoy and the entire medical staff are busy, so we have to wait until sickbay is filled to the brim. I'm sure we won't have to wait long."

Their pleasant conversation was interrupted by a beeping from Kirk's console. The report came from sickbay. He opened the channel to see an irritated McCoy reporting from the sickbay, wearing pajamas. There was a blob on the left hand corner and a couple of gorgeous young nurses laughing in the background.

"Is that the new sickbay outfit McCoy?" Kirk said, teasing McCoy. "And what's that blob?"

McCoy looked even more irritated. "Nope, I rushed here. No time to change. And this…" He looked at the blob, and tossed it to the side. Kirk, however, was able to discern the silhouette of the blob as a teddy bear.

'What's the problem?" Kirk asked, trying to contain his laughter.

"It's not about someone injured. Someone stole equipment from here. A single hypo was stolen." Kirk dismissed it off, "Don't be such an infant. It's just a hypospray. Don't mind it, just be ready. We're going on an away mission so prepare the sickbay. I have this weird feeling that this civilization will be one hostile one."

McCoy terminated the channel and kept grumbling about his ruined morning. He went to his quarters to change while tasking the other doctors to prepare the sickbay.

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Kirk and Sulu immediately went to the bridge, where Spock, Chekov and Uhura were waiting. The bridge was pristine white, with different officers in their stations, idly chatting while doing their daily routine. As they entered the bridge, Spock said, "Captain, everything's ready. I had Chekov prepare a briefing and all departments are functioning nominally."

Kirk sat in the captain's chair. "Sulu, have you laid in the course?"

Sulu nodded. "Go to warp." Kirk ordered. " Punch it."

The Enterprise shuddered as Sulu pressed the lever forward. Kirk felt that is going to be one very long day as the stars turned to blurs, and the Enterprise warped to the planet to conduct negotiations. He sat at the captain's chair, contemplating on how to proceed with their plan.

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**A/N:** As usual all answers to the reviews is in my profile. Thanks for reading!


	4. A New Hope Part 2

**AUTHOR's NOTES:** Hello, and welcome to the second part of Kirk's Big Plan! I had fun writing this. Everyone, please vote on what Kirk will do with McCoy's password next chapter! Please enjoy!

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True enough, the sickbay was filled to the brim with wounded crewmembers. The planet's civilization was allied with the Klingon Empire, and the negotiations were an ambush. There were four Klingon Birds-of-Prey that attacked the Enterprise, which managed to defeat them with some heavy damage, seven casualties and a lot of wounded personnel. The sickbay's staff was stretched heavily, from rushing injured people to sickbay, treating minor injuries, and operating on major ones. McCoy and a few nurses were busy extracting shrapnel and using autosutures to heal the damage. Engineering were also stretched trying to repair the damage and restore power to other parts of the ship.

In short, it was a perfect time to execute Kirk's plan. Medical personnel will be too busy to notice Kirk entering, and Engineering won't notice him trying to get McCoy's password.

Once they were safely in warp, Kirk tapped Sulu's arm and left the bridge. Kirk told Spock to assume command, which he politely did. Sulu realized that Kirk is planning to conduct their "mission" now, so he went to the bathroom, injected himself with the hypo, and walked back to his station.

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In his room, Kirk pulled out a PADD, loaded will all the programs he had written at Starfleet. Many of them were harmless pranks, but there were a few potent ones like the Kobayashi Maru cheat patch. He took the PADD and headed for the turboshaft.

He had to switch to different elevators to reach sickbay, because Engineering had to fix some damage along the way. The once brand-new, sparkling white corridors of the Enterprise were charred with sparking power conduits; the floor had a few holes in them, and everything was in complete disarray. The Engineering staff working on the damage saluted Kirk and he saluted back. He quickly boarded the turboshaft to sickbay.

The sickbay was just as beaten up as the corridors. The number of injuries was particularly high and the biobeds available were limited. The doctors and nurses were too busy operating on heavily-injured patients, while the ones who took lighter damage were still too tired to try and process what was going on. Others were unconscious.

Kirk quickly snuck into McCoy's office. He sat on McCoy's chair, plugged the PADD into the computer and started to hack the sickbay computer. He just hoped that Sulu had already started to show symptoms.

Everything depends on him.

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In the bridge, Spock sat at the captain's chair. The bridge was not particularly as beaten up like the other parts of the ship, so the Engineering staff dispersed to fix the little amount of damage the bridge had incurred had quickly finished their work.

Chekov had finished all the protocol he had to do when they were at warp. He was particularly exhausted, after than incursion, and he started to feel relaxed as they headed back for repairs. Slowly, the mood on the bridge rose from alarm to relief. He wanted to rest a little and eat something. He turned left to face Sulu. "Sulu, want to…"

His expression went back to alarm as he saw Sulu sprawled over the console, looking very pale. He had complained of some pain earlier, but he decided not to head to sickbay, as he felt that he would add to the load.

"Commander! Sulu fainted!"

All the officers were too busy helping Chekov to notice unauthorized access to the sickbay computer. There was too much commotion in the bridge to hear the soft alarm of the console. The alert went unnoticed, having been covered up with a lot more important ones from different parts of the ship.

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Kirk was pleased with how his plan was going. The program was so close to obtaining the password that removing the medical override was now only a piece of cake. He watched as the progress bar inched slowly to the finish line, the end of having to eat the unpalatable salad. His expression changed to glee when the program had conquered and presented him the spoils.

Suddenly, he heard people approaching.

Kirk immediately cleaned up the mess he caused, removing all traces of the program in the sickbay computer. He immediately took the PADD and snuck to the nearest closet, to hide from whoever was going to enter McCoy's office.

He was no stranger to the uncomfortable heat that lay inside the closet, as he had been hidden a few times, for different reasons, involving setting up pranks and watching the mayhem that he caused. He patiently waited for the occupants to enter as he quietly observed, controlling his breath so nobody could hear. Even though he had failed to remove the override, he had one thing to his advantage.

In his PADD's screen lay McCoy's password, in big red letters.

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**A/N: **I apologize if this kind of broke the high expectations. To all those who repeatedly took their time to review, I dedicate this chapter to you. May you live long and prosper. I was kind of busy doing some important matters so I apologize if it seems rushed.


	5. The Kirk's Struck Backwards and Epilogue

**Author's Notes:** Man, I left this fic in the dust for too long! I had a lot to attend to lots of stuff .and I feel that my brain and my body were drained when I was going to write the finale. I had asked the help of Jen94 (who is famous for her stories Cho's Regrets and Living a Lie, please review those!) who is in the same school as me, since drama is her specialty and this finale would be pretty dark, leading to this fanfic's sequel. For now, enjoy the finale!

**OF STEAKS, SALANDS and MEDICAL CHECKUPS ---FINALE**

Star Trek Fanfiction Archive

Irradiation

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Kirk felt his body go numb.

The storage area was pretty cramped, considering that McCoy kept a stockpile of different medical equipment, old and dusty books from his time studying as a normal doctor, and a few dismembered teddy bears. Kirk squeezed himself further in, shying away from the small opening he used to monitor the two people who entered, and mask the gasp he made in astonishment.

He clutched the tablet even harder, making the extremely thin device flex under the pressure he exerted. He watched the two people leave from the incredibly thin slit that served as his view to the world. He could make out the silhouette of a lady, clad in tall black boots and a short skirt.

Then the lady's companion threw a gaze at the storage area door. Kirk hid himself. He saw that person close the door and turn off the lights. Kirk wasn't able to get a glimpse. He slowly began to make his way out, dragging his unresponsive body slowly forward and out. He tried to regain control of his body, and walked to the console.

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McCoy was extremely tired working long hours to get all those injured personnel patched up. He stared at Sulu, who was dead beat from the consecutive waves of vomiting and loose bowel movement. He had an IV patch attached to him, administering a few nutrients to keep him going until the extreme bowel movement stops.

He ran Sulu with a medical tricorder, which analyzed his body mass. Apparently, Sulu had been losing weight pretty fast, since the disease Sulu had slimmed him faster than an anorexic crew member he had to deal with a few months before. Apparently, vanity in humans still existed far into the future. But this one was serious. Even though the sickness had stopped, Sulu had to gain weight or his body would be in serious trouble.

McCoy went over to the sickbay main computer terminal, typed in his passcode and sifted through the different options. He opened Sulu's profile and entered the medications prescribed to prevent another bout of the disease, and removed the ban on extreme consumption.

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Kirk noticed a popup go up his window. He noticed McCoy had removed the medical override on Sulu. He set about removing his own. In the darkness, his fingers furiously tapped on the virtual keys on his wafer-thin tablet, while the computer followed the commands he entered in perfect obeisance. Soon, he successfully removed the medical override set by McCoy on him. He was free.

Kirk threw a glance on the computer's clock. This means that he still had time to do something. He opened a folder on his tablet which opened up a set of extremely nasty viruses. Once known as the most notorious virus zoos in Starfleet Academy, this set of evil pranks hand-coded by him with help from Gaila caused infamous pranks like serving decaf coffee for a month in the Teachers' Lounge then switching to extremely strong espresso, which upset many of the teachers' sensibilities too much. He chose a random one, swiping it towards the upload to console link.

This was going to be the night of infamy.

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**EPILOGUE**

Kirk shifted in his wide bed. Despite feeling some contentment in hearing the furious screams of McCoy being bathed in different condiments by the personal food dispensers each officer had in their beds, he felt disturbed. He can't get over the thing that he saw. He wanted to ask a thousand, even a trillion questions. Were his actions justifiable as the captain of the Enterprise? Was the thing he saw in McCoy's office real? Or was it just a dream?

He decided to leave those questions unanswered. As the Enterprise warped to its next destination, its captain decided to sleep. He still had official business to deal with tomorrow.

_Space – The Final Frontier_

FIN

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**A/N:** So that ends the exciting roller coaster ride that was this story. I had so much fun making it, seeing all those reviews, alerts and views. I'm making a sequel to this one, which deals with Kirk's different dilemmas after this. I'm calling it Dirty Plates. Look out for it, since it's coming soon! (I already have the first chapter.) Thanks for reading!


	6. Blooper Reel: Episode One

A/N: Good morning, guys! This is your author here, irradiation! So, I think that "Of Steaks, Salads and Medical Checkups" is a pivotal fic for me. This has been very memorable, the response was overwhelming and heartwarming. So as a tribute to those readers, I present the long-lost bloopers of this fic. Oh, and don't forget to read the first chapter of Dirty Plates! It's already up! Just search for it! :D Cheers!

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**BLOOPER 1 –CHAPTER 1 **

He ignored the screen and picked up the card to place into the synthesizer. He hurried to the synthesizer and immediately placed the card into the proper slot. The cover of the bin where food appears after synthesis glowed white, as the smell of fresh coffee filled the mess hall. Kirk suspected there was something not right, but he dismissed it as the smell of the corn and carrots that came with his steak.

But there really was something wrong.

The door to the food bin opened to reveal an old and definitely familiar Vulcan man holding a cup of coffee. His expression was that of one who was on the verge of laughing. Kirk recoiled in surprise as the mess hall speakers blared to life, singing an unfamiliar yet cheery little tune.

"The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup!"

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A/N: So, I plan on using this story as a testing ground for future writing styles I may use. Thanks for reading!


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